If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
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Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.