What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
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ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Monday
