Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

😂😂

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.