went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
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6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”