I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
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no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory