My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
You Might Also Like
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Good boy 😂😂
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds