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SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.