Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

What I said: please stop letting flies in.

What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.