In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
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Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
😭😭😭😭
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em