Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
