Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit