Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
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[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
his wife is probably gonna see that
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover