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Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. Itβs horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Stop.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I told my daughter her friend couldnβt come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Iβm less of a βDonβt say thatβ mom and more of a βDonβt say that at schoolβ mom.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how βintuitiveβ their products were. And I couldnβt help wishing they made spouses.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevinβs parents bought this house for like $250K.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uhβ¦Antarcticaβ¦
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Iβm already over this Barbie movie. Iβm waiting for βEasy-Bake Ovenβ to hit theaters.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Ok whoβs got my black socks?
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I’m awake but I object,
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”