Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
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I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
At least my masseuse has my back.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
