alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
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Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead