“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
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[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
what could possibly go wrong?
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking