The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
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If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
😂😂😂
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
