Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
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love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
the three genders