Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

getting old is fun

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

Alexa, make me look good naked.