Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

We found love in a hopeless place.

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

no cat here

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.