Best Halloween yard decorations 馃槀
You Might Also Like
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyonc茅 Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey鈥檚 dad and nobody measures up.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I鈥檓 sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he鈥檚 just eating those like Pac-Man
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can鈥檛 have an online Bachelor鈥檚 Degree in Nursing
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.