Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

date: i want a good listener

superman: 🙂

date: who can see inner beauty

superman: 🙂

date: and looks good in glasses

clark kent: 🙂

date: wait what the hell

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media