Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.