Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest