Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
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.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

The chart results are in…

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.