Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
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One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Sniffing the broccoli
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Coffee is ready.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.