Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
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me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing