I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
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This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Super Hand Dog Face
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
This is a bad sign
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what