Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

Have kids, they said

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?

Me: Just one.

TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?

Me: B-E-Z-O-S

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”