Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

When can I start eating bats again.

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

just left a huge legacy in there

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.