Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

Smile Twitter, Smile.

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.