Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
oh she’s cooked
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
handsome & gretel
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
