Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
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I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
When libraries troll their patrons.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Match dot com, but for socks.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones