made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
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PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
me in a relationship:
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Made something I’m not proud of
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye