I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
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“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
August 8
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you