“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
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When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
when you order from DoorDastardly
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.