Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
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Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Lucky old June.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further