Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

Me: Ready to brush your hair?

2-year-old: No!

Me: Why not?

2: I’m a fish!

Me:

2:

Me:

2:

Me: You win this round.

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA