Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

next level snooze

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

Track coach: run like the wind!

Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*

8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

I’m literally crying

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?