Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…

ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

*brings nachos to your exorcism*

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.