Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

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2.
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4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’