Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
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Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
That time Alicia messaged me
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones