Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
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Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Oh my God.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
we all know this pain all too well
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Employees must applaud the planets.
