Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

This is the best one I’ve seen

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir