Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
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Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
three things we don’t talk about
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish