Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

Cow it started Cow it’s going

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do