3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
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A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
White Castle for the Win
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M: