First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
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Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?