Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
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If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
it must be school picture day
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend