Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

Flowers bee like

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*