Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

where’s Godzilla when we need him

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

Good Morning.

Every work meeting this week

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business