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Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?